3 years ago

3 years ago we brought our little Alex home from 17 days in the hospital – April 4th, 2007. 

 

April 4th, 1998 was our first date anniversary – 12 years ago.  Happy first date anniversary honey!  Wow – who would’ve thought that 12 years later – Lance would be clipping the mother of his 3 year old boy and his pregnant wife’s toenails because she can’t reach them anymore???  Times have changed in those 12 years!

 

This year we spent it at home enjoying a nice Easter Sunday. 

 

But, we also spent that day wondering what our little girl will be like: what her name will be (yes – we truly do not have a name picked out yet!), what she will look like, what she will like and not like, how big she will be, what personality she will have, among many other things.  

 

So, I thought it would be fun to pull some pictures of Alex from April 2007 and see what was happening then.

 

 

Lance and Alex – in the hospital but off the breathing apparatus – the day we got to hold him ALL.DAY.LONG

Me and Alex – the day we got to hold him ALL.DAY.LONG, plus it was good picture taking time because he pulled his feeding tube out (again!) and while it was off we took many pictures!

April 4th, 2007 – the day we brought him home

and we walked in the door of our house and Lance asked “what do we do now?”  So funny to think back on that. 

Where Alex slept that first night (or many nights) – along with Bella.

 

BIG feet on such a little boy!  How cute are those pinky toes?

Happy Birthday Alex

Happy Birthday Alex!

You are two years old today.

We taught you to say "Happy Birthday" and you can say it very well now. You've even added on "Happy Birthday Alex".

When we ask you how old you are you say "Two!". You want to hold up two fingers, just like we do, but it's pretty darn difficult (one finger is so much easier!). So instead, you just happily and proudly say "Two!"

Love only describes a little bit of how Mama and Daddy feel about you. We love you so much and have enjoyed watching you grow. We can't imagine our lives with out you and when we look at pictures of ourselves before you were even a twinkle in your Daddy's eyes - it is difficult to imagine before you were born.

It's even more difficult to imagine how small you were when you were born and how much you've grown physically over the 2 years.

Born: 5 lbs 2 oz

2 years old: ~30 lbs

Born: 18.5 inches

2 years old: ~36 inches

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of the old pictures. Enjoy, my sweet!

Not too long before you were born (~28 weeks pregnant)
In the OR, just after you were born and your Daddy proudly carried you up to the NICU

You in the NICU, with your Daddy by your side - all night long.

The first chance I had to hold you in my arms - 2 days after you were born - a Wednesday. (not a great picture, but the emotions were overwhelming to Mama. Mama remembers this moment very clearly)

Our first "Family" picture.

A wonderful day in the hopital where I held you all day long.You slept a lot and were so cute when you slept. Two years later, I still watch you sleeping.
The day we brought you home from the hospital. I remember your Daddy, as we walked in the door of our house, said "What do we do now?" and it was a clear representation of what we were feeling.

After that - you wanted to be held a lot. You even wanted to sleep on me - most of the time - and made your requests known.

It's so difficult to remember how small you were.

Because now you are so big. You are so tall. You are so strong. You are so brave. In fact, you are fearless.

Flash foward to your first birthday - you loved balloons and had your first cupcake! You still love balloons and helped me add frosting and sprinkles to your cupcakes this morning that we sent to preschool.

You chowed down!

Yummy!


Happy Birthday, my love. We love you.

We took him home one year ago today

April 4, 2007 - We took our little 5-lb boy home for the first time after 16 days in the NICU. We walked in the door to our house and looked at each other and literally said "what do we do now?". After all the things that had happened, pre-eclamsia, c-section, hospital, feeding tubes, CPAP, jaundice, preemie baby... Here we were - "normal". Going home with a baby.

We just decided to hold him and remember this special day. Of course, we didn't have everything as set as we needed, either, and there were things that we didn't even think of thinking about, but everything worked out and we had Alex home. So there was a bit of scrambing that first night.

April 4th, 1998 - Flash back

It also happens to be our 10 year first date anniversary. Lance called me up and asked me on a blind date. Our first date was Saturday April 4th, 1998. Allison was 20 years old! And Lance was 25!

Wow - I can't believe it's been that long!

NICU visit 11 months later

One of Lance’s good friends and his wife had just had a baby at ~37 weeks gestation and although everything was fine with the baby (lungs fully developed, no jaundice) the baby wasn’t feeding at all by breast or bottle and had to be transferred to the NICU instead of going home. They have a somewhat similar story to ours – mostly healthy pregnancy and pre-eclamsia in the end with a c-section. But, the Mom’s pre-eclamsia came on over a couple of weeks and finally at 37 weeks (where babies are considered “full term”) she was induced. Nothing happened for 2-3 days of being induced so they had a c-section.

Although there were many differences between our stories, there were so many similarities.

Lance’s friend had been calling him a lot to get advice, etc. About a week after their daughter was born, he called and asked if I had cried all the way home from the hospital after I was discharged but Alex was still there. He said – yes and it was normal. Lance then asked “Do you want us to come visit?” Yes, he said.

Side note: Leave it the guys! I was just telling Lance that I’m sure they would appreciate a visit – especially since they knew we had been through something similar 11 months earlier.

We visited them on a Wednesday night at a different hospital than the one we were at. I was thinking about it quite a bit the night before we visited. What do we say? What do they want to know? Am I going to be OK with going back to a NICU and seeing this? It was strange to be at a hospital again, smell the hand sanitizer. See how truly small newly born babies are – and have a hard time remembering how small Alex was. See the alarms and leads, and remember how I learned to read them and turn them off. Remember the 2 shifts of nurses per day – every day. Sometimes you were lucky and got the same nurse during the day for 3 days! The breastfeeding struggles. How “congratulations” doesn’t seem to be the right sentiment, for me at least.

I remember very clearly the night I was discharged from the hospital and thinking - how can I leave my baby in the hospital? The root of that question is so deep. I was very sick, had just had a c-section, and still had high blood pressure. Everyone wanted me to “get a good nights sleep” at home. I just felt like it was so wrong, at the time. I felt like everything had already gone wrong and this “choice” I was making was to go home and leave my baby at the hospital. I felt like there were two categories of new Moms – Good and Bad. Going home meant I was already in the Bad category and when you have that many hormones running around your body – you think this means that you will always be bad.

I told the new Mom I was visiting that I understood her not wanting to go home, and that I, too, felt this way when Alex was in the hospital. But resting and recuperating, it does help you out. Looking back, I think I healed faster and was able to take care of him more when he did come home because of resting.

I saw a look on her face – a wonderful smile and a new baby in her arms. From the outside she seemed fine. I remember feeling this same way – outside = fine, inside = totally not fine. Although, I have no idea if she felt the way I do - I felt like there was nothing else to do, because breaking down and realizing the enormity of what was happening (what had already happened) was too huge to comprehend.

I mean – I could’ve died.

Dead.

Alex, too.

If we were in a 3rd world country – I’m sure the chances of this happening would’ve been greatly increased.

Also – the look on my face was probably from the sheer amount of hormones running around in your body – massive amounts that I would best describe as a hormone fog. You are so emotional because of this and I told her that it would get better in about 3-4 months. I don’t know if the 3-4 months helped her or not. I know at that time, I would’ve thought that would take forever!

In the end, I feel like we helped them a little bit, at least gave them a view of 11 months down the road. I was really glad to see them and felt good about what I had told them about our experiences.

lactation feedback

As I innocently picked up the mail the other day I saw a letter from Evergreen hospital stamped children’s services. My mind took me right back to that day Alex was born. What did they want now? Remembering tiny painful details and wishing that I would’ve done something different or that something more “normal” would’ve happened. I only read the first couple of lines and had to put it away….something about knowing that I was busy now and appreciating comments on our “stay” at the NICU.

I had to put it away for so many reasons. Sometimes I foolishly think “I’m over the trauma” and then realize I’m totally not. I probably never will be, either. Never TOTALLY over it.

I kept it in my purse for about a week and I just rediscovered it. I actually read the whole letter this time and they want feedback on the lactation part of the NICU experience. What was my goal about breastfeeding and did being in the NICU change this goal. What was supportive and what wasn’t. Although our experience was not one I would wish to repeat, I did have things to say about this topic (and I wish to give feedback other aspects of our “stay” at some point).

I wanted to tell them that this wasn’t supposed to have happened. I wanted to tell them how painful it is to not be able to hold your baby after he was born and have to wait 2 days. But, this isn’t what they are seeking.

I told them that instead of focusing on breastfeeding – I had to focus on pumping. I not only got up in the middle of the night to feed Alex when we were first home, but also pump. When I got home – it was really really hard. I brought home a 5 lb baby who could nurse with a nipple shield only. He had to have 5 fortified bottles of formula a day and I was recovering from a very urgent c-section along with high blood pressure that still hadn’t come down.

I also told them about my experience of having an obviously hungry baby at 2 hours into a 3 hour feeding schedule at the hospital and asking the nurse if I could feed him.

She said no. It would get his schedule all messed up.

Instead I had to comfort a baby who was sucking on a pacifier (instead of me or a bottle) just to keep him from screaming just because of a feeding schedule ?!? At home – there would be no schedule and there was very little transition in between the highly scheduled hospital and home.

Also, not allowing enough time to transition between the 3 hour feeding schedule and on-demand feeding at home.

If I could only go back in time and have the knowledge and guts that I have now….

In the end, I’m glad that I’m still breastfeeding. It sure was a struggle at first, but now it is pretty easy. I’m also glad to have the advice to supplement with formula when I’m back at work. I would NOT be able to make enough to waste in the bottles and he wouldn’t have enough to eat since we would be out of sync. It is something that I have chosen to not worry about now and I’m so glad for the advice.

Some people have asked when I plan to stop (some with the feeling that I “should" stop at some point, others with just a curiosity of when I think we’ll stop). My answer: I really have no idea. When we feel like it. I have no idea when that will be – 2 months from now or another year from now.

Right now I just love where we’re at with nursing.

Busy weekend!

We went to the NICU picnic at Evergreen hospital this Saturday. There were kids of all ages there and it was fun to see how much FUN Alex will have when he can jump around in the inflatable toy and play games and get his face painted. (thanks for the photo Kathy!)

We saw many friends - it's amazing how many new friends we've made this year!

We then went to a wedding in Gig Harbor right on the water. Alex was quite the hit of the party with his big smiles! :)

We then went to a PEPS picnic on Sunday evening. It was so nice to meet the Dads of the babies and Moms I've gotten to know over the past 6 months!

All in all we had a nice full weekend. How did we get the laundry, dishes and everything else done? We don't know .... but, we did it all.